I don’t like it when things are hard. I’m not crazy about sleepless nights, they tend to make me lose my Christianity. It’s frustrating when situations are so out of my control that my only option is to pray. Sometimes that feels like an exercise in futility.
The last few weeks have been all of that and more. After all the prayers and doctors, the kids aren’t much better, the situation hasn’t really changed. Michael is still buried deep in his autism, waking up screaming sometimes at night. William’s digestive system was diagnosed as collapsing closed in places, unable to process his food and the cause of his pain and discomfort and inability to sleep. Gabriel is exhausted from everyone’s restlessness and is acting out, feeling his place as the unattended middle child. I’ve had to make decisions I don’t like regarding therapy and school. There were some days that spiritual war was so hard, I just held the baby and walked around the house praying, because I couldn’t do anything else, the oppression was so strong.
This is hard, and I’m tired.
And yet, somehow, God is moving in a way that I never imagined.
All the sleepless nights, all the physical trials, all the times my heart aches with all the troubles my kids face, I’m forced to pray like never before. I am holding up my kids’ futures, their destinies, before God daily, waging a spiritual war I never would have if things were going well. Let’s face it, we just pray differently in adversity. I know that if all these problems were to disappear overnight, so would this intense time of prayer. And I don’t know what it is about these boys, but I feel like I just need to move heaven and earth in prayer over them now about things that haven’t happened yet.
During a particularly rough patch, as I was praying over all of our issues and obstacles, I felt the Lord say, “Don’t you see? I am answering your prayers.” Nate and I have dedicated our children to God, we’ve prayed that they would be mightily used in His service, that they would be leaders and shakers in His kingdom. And greatness was never achieved in a day. It’s only ever come through hardship and victory over adversity. So here’s the hardship. Here’s the adversity. We’re starting now.
And because God has shown me all this, I’m OK with what’s going on right now. I’d seriously pay money to take a nap, but I’m OK with what’s going on. This is my real job, this is me seeing eternity, and while I’m imperfect and may whine about how hard this is and how tired I am, this is what I was made for.
I asked God to deepen my relationship with Him. I never pull this close in good times.
He’s answering prayers, and so I have to say thank you.