On Fighting And Letting Go

I just realized it’s nearly been a year since I last put up a post.  I’d say I don’t have enough energy to blog while I’m pregnant, except our little Caleb is now 6 months old, so I’m not sure that’s a valid excuse anymore.

It’s been an interesting year.  We’re constantly riding out ups and downs.  Very high ups and very low downs.  Everything happens in extremes around here.

I want to share something that I learned earlier this year, just before Caleb was born.  Spring was a very dark time for me.  I was in my final trimester, huge, pregnant, and in a lot of pain.  Psychologically I was a mess as well.  Not only did the end of my pregnancy seem so very far away, but Michael was not in a good place.  He had lost all of his self-control and had zero self-regulation whatsoever.  The result was a child who screamed, kicked, punched, and had meltdown after meltdown ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.  I would be down on the floor with my gigantic belly, wrestling with him to keep him from hurting someone, carrying him kicking and screaming to his bed so he could calm down.

It was hell.  I was so miserable, I just wanted everything to be different.  I wanted a child who wasn’t violent.  I wanted to not be pregnant, to not be in pain every moment of the day.  I wanted to not have to care for three very demanding boys.  It didn’t help that my husband was at the climax of a major project at work and was required to work several weekends in a row.  I felt like we didn’t see him for almost my entire 8th month of pregnancy.  I was really desperate for a change.  I researched and researched and tried to find answers for Michael’s behavior.  I spent hours in front of the computer, hours fighting with him, hours struggling emotionally and mentally.  I began to despair when potential problems were ruled out by his doctor.  I really began to sink into a depression.

At that time, I was so busy trying to fix our home life that I just couldn’t be still and wait on the Lord.  Every time a problem cropped up, I didn’t turn it into a prayer, I turned it into a research project.  I was going to find a problem that I could fix!  I just needed to be able to make things better.  God had been gently reminding me through various means that I needed to put Him first, but I just couldn’t figure out what that looked like when it seemed like my little guys were tearing the house down right on top of us.

In my mothers’ Bible study and support group, a mom spoke about how she had searched for two years for a cure for her daughter’s condition and things didn’t get better until she just told the Lord she was done searching and would leave her daughter in His hands.  At first, I just disregarded her story.  It sounded like the attitude of someone who had given up.  How could a mother stop fighting, stop pushing for the well-being of her child?  I couldn’t see how I was being consumed by the fight for my children’s health, that it was actually an idol in my life.  It was pulling me away from God.

I hit rock bottom a few weeks later.  I had exhausted all my avenues of research.  I had hit a dead end everywhere I looked.  Michael was just as out of control as he ever was, and I had burnt myself out in my search to help him.  I finally threw myself at God.  I told Him I was done.  I was done struggling and fighting because I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I was too tired.  I repented for not turning to Him first in my time of trouble.  I asked Him to show me what putting Him first in my life looked like.  And I asked Him to give me the grace to accept Michael’s health, no matter what it was.

I spent the next few weeks focusing on God instead of on my kids’ issues.  I tried to put Him first in my day and keep Him in the forefront of my mind at all times.  It was hard, it was discipline.  It was new to me, but I prayed and asked God to give me the strength and show me how.

And then it happened.  Michael calmed down.  For no earthly explainable reason.  Weeks before Caleb was born, Michael became a different child.  He found his self-regulation again.  The violence was over.  I didn’t have to wrestle and restrain him or shield my belly from his attacks.  It really blew my mind.  God had used the situation to draw me to Him, and it was only my own blindness that made the trial last as long as it did.

I still get distracted.  Discipline is hard, it’s not very much fun.  But I’ve learned.  I sometimes fall back, but I’m quicker to recover and run back to Jesus now.  I’m learning to walk the fine line of fighting for my children, doing the hard work but still putting the final result in the Lord’s hands.

The holiday season is always a test for me.  There’s a lot more going on that usual, and it is my prayer that I keep my focus where it belongs.  And then let God handle the rest.

Since it’s been a year, I clearly owe everyone some pictures!

Me and my crew.  They’re why I do what I do.

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Nate has just been the most incredible, supportive husband.  He’s wonderful with the kids, and more importantly, he’s never stops patiently loving me, no matter how crazy my drama gets.  The boys just LOVE him.

Our little Caleb joined us in May.  I will admit I was terrified at first that we’d see some of the same issues we had with our other boys, but this little guy has just been terrific.  He has the sweetest disposition, and HE SLEEPS!!  He’s seriously the first baby we had that sleeps.  He’s healthy so far, and super fun.  The older boys love him.  I haven’t seen any jealousy at all, for which I am grateful.  It seems like he’s going to fit in just fine.

I’m still figuring out what life with four kids and homeschooling looks like, so I don’t know how often I will update my blog, but I like to think it’ll be more than once a year.  We’ll see! 🙂

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