Not Again

I’m becoming that person that I don’t like again.  It happens every year around this time, and every year I vow to do better, and every year, I have to confess I blew it.  I love how the Eldredges translate in the book Captivating the 1 Peter 3 woman of a gentle and quiet spirit.  They say it means that a woman has a heart that is at rest, that is at peace in the Lord, and that is a place that brings refreshment and healing to those around her.  Thank goodness it has nothing to do with how loud her personality is!!

I’m like the opposite right now.  In addition to preparing for the holidays and the long list of birthdays that happen this month, I also have a couple of jobs I have to complete for our little side home business.  The kids don’t let me work during the day, and I’m too exhausted to work at night after they’ve gone to sleep (it’s like they know I want them to fall asleep and they just stay awake demanding attention).  It usually means I worry about it for a long time, and then panic and have to finish everything in a ridiculously short amount of time in a flurry of stress.  I’m not a kind person then, certainly not someone whose soul gives others room to breathe and be at peace.  I hate it, because that’s not the kind of wife and mom that I want to be for my family, and yet my own feeble attempts at being loving and patient are pretty much non-existent.

I can feel it starting to happen again, and I want to nip it in the bud.  I’m praying that God continues to show me how to live in His presence, how His joy can be my strength, and how He can be my peace that passes all understanding.  I’ve prayed that God would show me how to be loving and patient, and the last few weeks have been crazy.  Now I’m asking God to also show me how to be at peace, so I must just be a glutton for punishment, but it’s truly the desire of my heart to be the kind of person that nurtures a peaceful and patient atmosphere in my home instead of being a source of stress and tension.

I feel like I’m not getting any better at this yet, but I guess just being aware of what’s happening now instead of in hindsight is a first step in the right direction in the journey of a lifetime.  I’ve tried to cover my day in prayer now, at the beginning, as I’m slowly watching the laundry list of the day grow to an impossibly large size.  I know and trust that God is good and able to handle this for me, and I want to surrender this all now before I have a chance to mess it up myself.  I’m also going to have to give myself grace because I will fail at some point, but if God can forgive me, why shouldn’t I, right?

I would be grateful if you remember us in your prayers today.  We have planned to take Gabriel back to the Urgent Care to have his staples removed.  Putting them in was pretty traumatizing, and I know he’s not going to want to get back on the table again.  I’m praying that God would grant us both peace and help Gabriel (and me!) through this experience with a special touch of His presence and healing.

May your day be full of God’s love and peace in your own lives.

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